Not Whole

I have been feeling empty...and I just want to cry but the tears just won't come. Why? is something that I ask daily if not hourly? I don't feel well I fell like I am running is circles and I am never going to get anywhere that I want to go. I want to do more I want see more. I want to be more. I want to get out of my comfort zone. I want to make life worth living. I want to meet not only my needs but the needs of others. I want to feed the hungry and give hope to the lonely. but I find that I don't have time to feed myself or give hope to myself. If I were busy helping other I think I would not feel so bad about this but I am just barely taking care of my needs.

It is times like this were I find myself questioning God again, wondering where he is in all this and why I am not able to do what I want to do for his Glory. Then I look back at even this post and see that I used the word I so many times in just 2 paragraphs.

I just don't know

Summer 2 Weeks at a time

So I am getting to the end of my Second summer break...Classes start back on Monday and I am having a much need break from going to class and have papers and presentation looming in the near future. I am super excited to have my bestie Kat Kendall back in Hattiesburg and in my little home for the week and Tara Morgan and her lovely sister visiting tonight and a little in the morning.

I have second interview at Chick-a-fila tomorrow...not sure how I feel about it. I don't know what I am suppose to be doing with my life right now but I am just praying for a vision from God.

This is a hard for other reasons. My life has been such a crazy ride of emotions this past year. I know it was all for the better but still can not see what I am suppose do next. I have another 2 years in Hattiesburg and trying to see what that is going to look like job wise has got me so stress right now. I would love nothing more than to be able to get a job in my field but am only getting offers in food industry.....it is really disappointing when you try so hard to get THE job and it slips out from under your fingers.

This next school term is going to be insane I hope I can make it though and keep my 3.5!!!

Prayers welcome

ash

these days

here lately I find myself longing for the comfort and peacefulness of spending time alone. I would rather crawl up in my big comfy bed and be alone than be in a room full of people. I know that sometimes this is a sign of depression....but trust me I have been depressed and this is not what is going on. I think I just see so many people when I am at work. that I really don't care if I see a ton of people when I am off work.

On the other hand I am off work this Sunday and I get to go to church sunday!!!! this is one HAPPY HAPPPY HAPPPPPYYYY Girl! I need this badly! I need to be able to worship with my church family. I can now join then by letter and be a true member of the Venue family. Man I love my church!

ash

Bitter+Sweet takes getting used too

well tonight my dad resigned as pastor of New Hope Baptist Church in Amory MS to accept a job at Shady Grove Baptist Church near Oxford. This is around 90 miles away from the current church but about 20 miles closer to my mom's work. so it was a prayed over for many months and this is what my dad feels as though the Lord is calling him to do. We have been in Amory for 9 1/2 years so the move will be surreal...mostly because I have a very small role in it. I now live in Hattiesburg, that is my "Home" so to speak for this season of my life. I have no idea where I will be in the next 5 years but something told me when I left in Feb. I would never move back here....man was I right

ash

my heart

it hurts....it is broken.....i am sad....most of the time....i wish things had turned out differently....

really....really.....

first and foremost I want to say that I am totally happy for all my friends who recently got engaged or married....

BUT as a single gal seeing about 10-20 different people facebook status change to "Married" or "Engaged" does not make me feel that great about myself.....I know that my worth is not in weather or not I am in a relationship my worth is in heaven and Christ defines me not weather or not some guy wants to date me....but when you where as close to marriage as I was and then to have it plastered to facebook that everyone else in the world has what you want more than anything else it is hard.

I have a very strong desire to be a wife and be a mommy....I want to make dinner for someone and watch netflicks with them, and that someone be a dude not my roommate who is in fact amazing but as much as we enjoy being each other roommates I am 200% sure that we both would rather have husbands to do those things with! (nothing against you Britt)

But as much as I desire to have a husband I do not want to settle, I know if just said the word there is someone who would buy me that big fat diamond and marry me but I would not be happy with that life because I would have nothing to talk about with that man....so what do I want in a husband well since you ask:

I want someone who encourage me to grow deeper in my Faith, someone I can talk about theology with, someone who wants to be a dad as much as I want to be a mom, someone who wants to adopt one day, someone who has a job, someone who make me laugh, someone thinks I am beautiful, someone I think is handsome, someone who enjoys books and music as much as I do, someone who will rub my feet after a hard day at work.....

I know these are random and all but that is my heart so there.....

ash

MY 20th POST!

I know it is sad that I have had a Blog for OVER a year and this is only my 20th post...but in my defense my mom told me "If you don't have something nice to say don't say it at all"...that being said I haven't had much to report BECAUSE......

I WORK ALL THE TIME!!! and when I am not working they call me into work...which is Good money wise....the way my knees and back feel about it though is not so great!

I got to spend time with my sweet nephews twice this week! which is a record I got to see my sister and bro-in-law too of course. CASH is so verbal now he talks all the time it so cute, and that smile oh my word it is to die for! Watch out ladies Cash Money is coming! Tripp is in the crazy kid phase....he is still cute to me but that is because I am biased and love him....He has some crazy crazy moments though! He is so much like my sister in the way he DOES NOT like change it completely messes with his 4 year old mind...OMG he is 4 this time next year he will be going to Kindergarten and Cash will be 2 and half and Baby #3 will be here!

I have learned one thing this past year if nothing else what you thought would happen won't and what you least expect will and to never count your chickens before they hatch because the Lord my not have those chickens in his plan for you!

just a thought

ash