to you.

right now I hate you. you have broken my heart time and time again. but i kept letting you back into my life, why, because I still believed in us. why could you not love me too. I am so tired of the tears. for over a year i have cried over you. you are the only reason i really cry anymore. you are the only reason i had to believe that anyone could love me. you where the only one who ever loved me back. or so i thought until now. was that all a lie. just a game. why did you let me go on so long. you had to know that this was hard on me. you had to know that my heart was breaking with every phone call. you knew me better than anyone else had ever known me. you could tell my mood over the phone. i was there for you and i thought you were there for me.

was i just a thorn in your side. did you just feel bad for how it ended. were you just waiting for me to "get over you" so you could "move on" will guess what i am not over you. because you can never be over the person you thought was your best friend. best friends that is what we called ourselves for so long. but we are not friends we are exs. i had never called you that. but now that is what you are. you are not the friend that i once had that i cared so much about that i wanted to see achieve the impossible. wanted to cheer along the path. wanted to love. wanted to be best friends forever. but no. you made the choice. now there is no turning back. we are now and forever more exs.

Not Whole

I have been feeling empty...and I just want to cry but the tears just won't come. Why? is something that I ask daily if not hourly? I don't feel well I fell like I am running is circles and I am never going to get anywhere that I want to go. I want to do more I want see more. I want to be more. I want to get out of my comfort zone. I want to make life worth living. I want to meet not only my needs but the needs of others. I want to feed the hungry and give hope to the lonely. but I find that I don't have time to feed myself or give hope to myself. If I were busy helping other I think I would not feel so bad about this but I am just barely taking care of my needs.

It is times like this were I find myself questioning God again, wondering where he is in all this and why I am not able to do what I want to do for his Glory. Then I look back at even this post and see that I used the word I so many times in just 2 paragraphs.

I just don't know

Summer 2 Weeks at a time

So I am getting to the end of my Second summer break...Classes start back on Monday and I am having a much need break from going to class and have papers and presentation looming in the near future. I am super excited to have my bestie Kat Kendall back in Hattiesburg and in my little home for the week and Tara Morgan and her lovely sister visiting tonight and a little in the morning.

I have second interview at Chick-a-fila tomorrow...not sure how I feel about it. I don't know what I am suppose to be doing with my life right now but I am just praying for a vision from God.

This is a hard for other reasons. My life has been such a crazy ride of emotions this past year. I know it was all for the better but still can not see what I am suppose do next. I have another 2 years in Hattiesburg and trying to see what that is going to look like job wise has got me so stress right now. I would love nothing more than to be able to get a job in my field but am only getting offers in food industry.....it is really disappointing when you try so hard to get THE job and it slips out from under your fingers.

This next school term is going to be insane I hope I can make it though and keep my 3.5!!!

Prayers welcome

ash

these days

here lately I find myself longing for the comfort and peacefulness of spending time alone. I would rather crawl up in my big comfy bed and be alone than be in a room full of people. I know that sometimes this is a sign of depression....but trust me I have been depressed and this is not what is going on. I think I just see so many people when I am at work. that I really don't care if I see a ton of people when I am off work.

On the other hand I am off work this Sunday and I get to go to church sunday!!!! this is one HAPPY HAPPPY HAPPPPPYYYY Girl! I need this badly! I need to be able to worship with my church family. I can now join then by letter and be a true member of the Venue family. Man I love my church!

ash

Bitter+Sweet takes getting used too

well tonight my dad resigned as pastor of New Hope Baptist Church in Amory MS to accept a job at Shady Grove Baptist Church near Oxford. This is around 90 miles away from the current church but about 20 miles closer to my mom's work. so it was a prayed over for many months and this is what my dad feels as though the Lord is calling him to do. We have been in Amory for 9 1/2 years so the move will be surreal...mostly because I have a very small role in it. I now live in Hattiesburg, that is my "Home" so to speak for this season of my life. I have no idea where I will be in the next 5 years but something told me when I left in Feb. I would never move back here....man was I right

ash

my heart

it hurts....it is broken.....i am sad....most of the time....i wish things had turned out differently....

really....really.....

first and foremost I want to say that I am totally happy for all my friends who recently got engaged or married....

BUT as a single gal seeing about 10-20 different people facebook status change to "Married" or "Engaged" does not make me feel that great about myself.....I know that my worth is not in weather or not I am in a relationship my worth is in heaven and Christ defines me not weather or not some guy wants to date me....but when you where as close to marriage as I was and then to have it plastered to facebook that everyone else in the world has what you want more than anything else it is hard.

I have a very strong desire to be a wife and be a mommy....I want to make dinner for someone and watch netflicks with them, and that someone be a dude not my roommate who is in fact amazing but as much as we enjoy being each other roommates I am 200% sure that we both would rather have husbands to do those things with! (nothing against you Britt)

But as much as I desire to have a husband I do not want to settle, I know if just said the word there is someone who would buy me that big fat diamond and marry me but I would not be happy with that life because I would have nothing to talk about with that man....so what do I want in a husband well since you ask:

I want someone who encourage me to grow deeper in my Faith, someone I can talk about theology with, someone who wants to be a dad as much as I want to be a mom, someone who wants to adopt one day, someone who has a job, someone who make me laugh, someone thinks I am beautiful, someone I think is handsome, someone who enjoys books and music as much as I do, someone who will rub my feet after a hard day at work.....

I know these are random and all but that is my heart so there.....

ash