it would have be so easy...

It would have been so easy if I had not cared so much. If I had not loved so much. If I had not placed so much of my life into it. But I had. I had made my whole life revolve around our plan, and what we were going to do. But I thought I was happy, I thought I had it all figured out. I was going to be your wife. You were going to be a doctor, and we were going to be missonaries...together...in a far away land. But that all changed. You told me one night that you didn't want to make me wait on you to finish school...But I thought that had been my choice. You didn't make me move to my parents. You said you knew that I wanted to be married and that you didn't want to hold me back from that...Ha like getting over you enough to ever love someone enough to marry them would take any less time than it would for you to get out of Med school. So far it has been two years. I still miss you....today is your Birthday. All I want to do is text you and tell you Happy Birthday. Because you were my best friend. But I can't I don't even have your phone number anymore. And you have a girlfriend. I know it is ironic isn't it. The one who didn't want to be in a relationship is in a a relaitonship and the one who wanted a relationship is alone. Yes I have dated and talked to other people since you, but no of those even come close to the connection we had. You could tell what I was about to say over the phone before I said it. I still find it hard to believe that the reasons you gave me were the true reasons you left me. It is even harder to believe them now. I think that is way this has been so hard to get over. Because all of sudden without any warning there she was. It shattered what was left of my heart. I don't know were all the pieces went. I can't find them. I have tried to but them back together and see if someone else would like to try to love it. But they can't, it is to broken, to sharp, it cuts them it they touch it. It wounds them to hold it. So I must start filing away the rough edges. The places you left me bitter and angry. The places that don't want to trust again. Those are the things I need to work on. Then maybe this heart of mine can be held again.

THE wish list!

So, I have had some friends to blog about wish list for future husbands in the past...

Well I Think it is about time for mine. If you ever want to set me up...use this as a reference.

1) Loves the Lord more than he will EVER love me
2) Will edify my walk with the Lord and lead me well. (someone I can trust my spirtual growth to)
3) A man that wants to serve the Lord and spread his name across the nation.
4) Eph. 5 (ENOUGH SAID)
5) Can understand my sense of humor
6) Loves to laugh
7) Makes me smile
8) EYES! I really like Eyes...and I prefer BLUE or Dark Brown
9) I want a man who can grow a legit Beard. 
10) Not afraid to sing to me
11) Will walk me to my car.
12) Randomly show up where I work with a coffee or a diet coke. (just because)
13) MUST LOVE HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER! 
14) Will watch Girly movies with me.
15) Dare me to go outside my comfort zone
16) Protect me when I am scared.
17) Take me to random playgrounds and swing with me 
18) Talk until 2 a.m. about nothing important
19) Talk until 2 a.m. about things that do matter
20) Take me to concerts
21) Will Go Golfing, hunting, fishing, etc. with my Daddy and Brother-in-law even if they don't like those activites.
22) Enjoys playing monsters with Tripp and Cash as much as I do
23) Will play tea parties with Maggie Grace if she asks.
24) Bear Hugs
25) Wants to change the world

to you.

right now I hate you. you have broken my heart time and time again. but i kept letting you back into my life, why, because I still believed in us. why could you not love me too. I am so tired of the tears. for over a year i have cried over you. you are the only reason i really cry anymore. you are the only reason i had to believe that anyone could love me. you where the only one who ever loved me back. or so i thought until now. was that all a lie. just a game. why did you let me go on so long. you had to know that this was hard on me. you had to know that my heart was breaking with every phone call. you knew me better than anyone else had ever known me. you could tell my mood over the phone. i was there for you and i thought you were there for me.

was i just a thorn in your side. did you just feel bad for how it ended. were you just waiting for me to "get over you" so you could "move on" will guess what i am not over you. because you can never be over the person you thought was your best friend. best friends that is what we called ourselves for so long. but we are not friends we are exs. i had never called you that. but now that is what you are. you are not the friend that i once had that i cared so much about that i wanted to see achieve the impossible. wanted to cheer along the path. wanted to love. wanted to be best friends forever. but no. you made the choice. now there is no turning back. we are now and forever more exs.

Not Whole

I have been feeling empty...and I just want to cry but the tears just won't come. Why? is something that I ask daily if not hourly? I don't feel well I fell like I am running is circles and I am never going to get anywhere that I want to go. I want to do more I want see more. I want to be more. I want to get out of my comfort zone. I want to make life worth living. I want to meet not only my needs but the needs of others. I want to feed the hungry and give hope to the lonely. but I find that I don't have time to feed myself or give hope to myself. If I were busy helping other I think I would not feel so bad about this but I am just barely taking care of my needs.

It is times like this were I find myself questioning God again, wondering where he is in all this and why I am not able to do what I want to do for his Glory. Then I look back at even this post and see that I used the word I so many times in just 2 paragraphs.

I just don't know

Summer 2 Weeks at a time

So I am getting to the end of my Second summer break...Classes start back on Monday and I am having a much need break from going to class and have papers and presentation looming in the near future. I am super excited to have my bestie Kat Kendall back in Hattiesburg and in my little home for the week and Tara Morgan and her lovely sister visiting tonight and a little in the morning.

I have second interview at Chick-a-fila tomorrow...not sure how I feel about it. I don't know what I am suppose to be doing with my life right now but I am just praying for a vision from God.

This is a hard for other reasons. My life has been such a crazy ride of emotions this past year. I know it was all for the better but still can not see what I am suppose do next. I have another 2 years in Hattiesburg and trying to see what that is going to look like job wise has got me so stress right now. I would love nothing more than to be able to get a job in my field but am only getting offers in food industry.....it is really disappointing when you try so hard to get THE job and it slips out from under your fingers.

This next school term is going to be insane I hope I can make it though and keep my 3.5!!!

Prayers welcome

ash

these days

here lately I find myself longing for the comfort and peacefulness of spending time alone. I would rather crawl up in my big comfy bed and be alone than be in a room full of people. I know that sometimes this is a sign of depression....but trust me I have been depressed and this is not what is going on. I think I just see so many people when I am at work. that I really don't care if I see a ton of people when I am off work.

On the other hand I am off work this Sunday and I get to go to church sunday!!!! this is one HAPPY HAPPPY HAPPPPPYYYY Girl! I need this badly! I need to be able to worship with my church family. I can now join then by letter and be a true member of the Venue family. Man I love my church!

ash

Bitter+Sweet takes getting used too

well tonight my dad resigned as pastor of New Hope Baptist Church in Amory MS to accept a job at Shady Grove Baptist Church near Oxford. This is around 90 miles away from the current church but about 20 miles closer to my mom's work. so it was a prayed over for many months and this is what my dad feels as though the Lord is calling him to do. We have been in Amory for 9 1/2 years so the move will be surreal...mostly because I have a very small role in it. I now live in Hattiesburg, that is my "Home" so to speak for this season of my life. I have no idea where I will be in the next 5 years but something told me when I left in Feb. I would never move back here....man was I right

ash