to you.

right now I hate you. you have broken my heart time and time again. but i kept letting you back into my life, why, because I still believed in us. why could you not love me too. I am so tired of the tears. for over a year i have cried over you. you are the only reason i really cry anymore. you are the only reason i had to believe that anyone could love me. you where the only one who ever loved me back. or so i thought until now. was that all a lie. just a game. why did you let me go on so long. you had to know that this was hard on me. you had to know that my heart was breaking with every phone call. you knew me better than anyone else had ever known me. you could tell my mood over the phone. i was there for you and i thought you were there for me.

was i just a thorn in your side. did you just feel bad for how it ended. were you just waiting for me to "get over you" so you could "move on" will guess what i am not over you. because you can never be over the person you thought was your best friend. best friends that is what we called ourselves for so long. but we are not friends we are exs. i had never called you that. but now that is what you are. you are not the friend that i once had that i cared so much about that i wanted to see achieve the impossible. wanted to cheer along the path. wanted to love. wanted to be best friends forever. but no. you made the choice. now there is no turning back. we are now and forever more exs.

Not Whole

I have been feeling empty...and I just want to cry but the tears just won't come. Why? is something that I ask daily if not hourly? I don't feel well I fell like I am running is circles and I am never going to get anywhere that I want to go. I want to do more I want see more. I want to be more. I want to get out of my comfort zone. I want to make life worth living. I want to meet not only my needs but the needs of others. I want to feed the hungry and give hope to the lonely. but I find that I don't have time to feed myself or give hope to myself. If I were busy helping other I think I would not feel so bad about this but I am just barely taking care of my needs.

It is times like this were I find myself questioning God again, wondering where he is in all this and why I am not able to do what I want to do for his Glory. Then I look back at even this post and see that I used the word I so many times in just 2 paragraphs.

I just don't know

Summer 2 Weeks at a time

So I am getting to the end of my Second summer break...Classes start back on Monday and I am having a much need break from going to class and have papers and presentation looming in the near future. I am super excited to have my bestie Kat Kendall back in Hattiesburg and in my little home for the week and Tara Morgan and her lovely sister visiting tonight and a little in the morning.

I have second interview at Chick-a-fila tomorrow...not sure how I feel about it. I don't know what I am suppose to be doing with my life right now but I am just praying for a vision from God.

This is a hard for other reasons. My life has been such a crazy ride of emotions this past year. I know it was all for the better but still can not see what I am suppose do next. I have another 2 years in Hattiesburg and trying to see what that is going to look like job wise has got me so stress right now. I would love nothing more than to be able to get a job in my field but am only getting offers in food industry.....it is really disappointing when you try so hard to get THE job and it slips out from under your fingers.

This next school term is going to be insane I hope I can make it though and keep my 3.5!!!

Prayers welcome

ash

these days

here lately I find myself longing for the comfort and peacefulness of spending time alone. I would rather crawl up in my big comfy bed and be alone than be in a room full of people. I know that sometimes this is a sign of depression....but trust me I have been depressed and this is not what is going on. I think I just see so many people when I am at work. that I really don't care if I see a ton of people when I am off work.

On the other hand I am off work this Sunday and I get to go to church sunday!!!! this is one HAPPY HAPPPY HAPPPPPYYYY Girl! I need this badly! I need to be able to worship with my church family. I can now join then by letter and be a true member of the Venue family. Man I love my church!

ash

Bitter+Sweet takes getting used too

well tonight my dad resigned as pastor of New Hope Baptist Church in Amory MS to accept a job at Shady Grove Baptist Church near Oxford. This is around 90 miles away from the current church but about 20 miles closer to my mom's work. so it was a prayed over for many months and this is what my dad feels as though the Lord is calling him to do. We have been in Amory for 9 1/2 years so the move will be surreal...mostly because I have a very small role in it. I now live in Hattiesburg, that is my "Home" so to speak for this season of my life. I have no idea where I will be in the next 5 years but something told me when I left in Feb. I would never move back here....man was I right

ash

my heart

it hurts....it is broken.....i am sad....most of the time....i wish things had turned out differently....

really....really.....

first and foremost I want to say that I am totally happy for all my friends who recently got engaged or married....

BUT as a single gal seeing about 10-20 different people facebook status change to "Married" or "Engaged" does not make me feel that great about myself.....I know that my worth is not in weather or not I am in a relationship my worth is in heaven and Christ defines me not weather or not some guy wants to date me....but when you where as close to marriage as I was and then to have it plastered to facebook that everyone else in the world has what you want more than anything else it is hard.

I have a very strong desire to be a wife and be a mommy....I want to make dinner for someone and watch netflicks with them, and that someone be a dude not my roommate who is in fact amazing but as much as we enjoy being each other roommates I am 200% sure that we both would rather have husbands to do those things with! (nothing against you Britt)

But as much as I desire to have a husband I do not want to settle, I know if just said the word there is someone who would buy me that big fat diamond and marry me but I would not be happy with that life because I would have nothing to talk about with that man....so what do I want in a husband well since you ask:

I want someone who encourage me to grow deeper in my Faith, someone I can talk about theology with, someone who wants to be a dad as much as I want to be a mom, someone who wants to adopt one day, someone who has a job, someone who make me laugh, someone thinks I am beautiful, someone I think is handsome, someone who enjoys books and music as much as I do, someone who will rub my feet after a hard day at work.....

I know these are random and all but that is my heart so there.....

ash

MY 20th POST!

I know it is sad that I have had a Blog for OVER a year and this is only my 20th post...but in my defense my mom told me "If you don't have something nice to say don't say it at all"...that being said I haven't had much to report BECAUSE......

I WORK ALL THE TIME!!! and when I am not working they call me into work...which is Good money wise....the way my knees and back feel about it though is not so great!

I got to spend time with my sweet nephews twice this week! which is a record I got to see my sister and bro-in-law too of course. CASH is so verbal now he talks all the time it so cute, and that smile oh my word it is to die for! Watch out ladies Cash Money is coming! Tripp is in the crazy kid phase....he is still cute to me but that is because I am biased and love him....He has some crazy crazy moments though! He is so much like my sister in the way he DOES NOT like change it completely messes with his 4 year old mind...OMG he is 4 this time next year he will be going to Kindergarten and Cash will be 2 and half and Baby #3 will be here!

I have learned one thing this past year if nothing else what you thought would happen won't and what you least expect will and to never count your chickens before they hatch because the Lord my not have those chickens in his plan for you!

just a thought

ash

I just want to forget

Some moments, some seasons, some mistakes that I have made in my life I would rather just forget. It seems that it would be easier if I could just forget the things in my life that hurt me most. That left those scars...that brought so many tears. When I was my pillowcases and can see the tear stains on the pillow it reminds me again of the hurt. So many nights crying myself to sleep. After last fall I wasn't sure if I had any tears left. It felt at times that I could not possible have any left....they did stop coming out for awhile even though the pain and the sadness where still there...I was starting to go grow numb. I didn't even care. Then I came here back to this place and their was a little sun in my life. Today is an overcast day though it is not like before I can make it to the other side without losing anymore tears but I still feel alone....
Ash

Ramen....

So early today...(well I guess yesterday now) I was eating a bowl of Ramen noodles. I had fancied them up with soy sauce and extra seasoning and I was eating them in my big girl apartment with my chopsticks that I bought in Vancouver....But they brought me back to a place where I first had Ramen noodles at my Granny Mc's house. It was September and my parents had gone to North Carolina for a conference. Audrea and I where staying with my grandparents at this time they lived in the old house, the house my Dad grew up in next door to the Grocery store/gas station they ran up until the year I was born. It was at that time being used as a Antique store. But all of that is completely besides the point. Anyways back to Ramen, one night my Granny was tired and didn't feel like making a huge dinner which was totally acceptable for a women who was a Cancer survivor and a diabetic this being before her cancer came back. So since she was tired she served my sister and I Ramen noodles. and We feel in in love with Ramen noodles. From that day on my grandmother made sure there where always ramen noodles at her house because we liked them...this food item along with Mt. Dew, Diet Coke, Potted Meat, and Various types of Little Debbie Cakes could always be found at my grandparents house just in case the grandkids might drop by and might be hungry. It is one of my precious memories of my grandparents. I miss my Granny I know she is in Heaven and one day I will get to worship our Lord with her forever. I am sad I don't get to visit my Papaw as much as I would like, He is very wise and terribly honest these days. I hope to get to visit with him soon. I was blessed to have such Godly Grandparents. I don't think with them my family would be the family it is today. Much prayer has been prayed for each of us. My Grandmother gave each of her children to Lord and it is evident in their lives and the lives of their children. So yeah a bowl a ramen can mean a lot when you take time to think over the little things in life

Now what?

I can not begin to say how sad I am about the tragedy that hit Smithville yesterday.....it is oh so close to home. So many many memories that no longer have landmarks to spark such joyous times in my life. And the people whose home where lost and business destroyed what do you do. What can you say. How can you comfort this type of loss....I have been thinking about how I would handle this a professional the scars that this is going to leave on the people of Smithville will not be easily fixed. Nor do I know if they could be fixed, more like just eased. So how do you ease the pain. NOW WHAT?

on totally different note....I finished my first Graduate level class tonight...woot woot.only 18ish more to go lol...

Life gets crazy sometimes....well a lot actually

So I am within two weeks of finishing my first trimester of Grad school...for those who do not speak the language of William Carey University we are on a trimester system because we are weird so we have three terms of classes...well four if you count summer...So anyway I almost finished with that and will then get a short break before I start my summer classes...I think I am going to pull my first 4.o ever! I am super pumped. I am getting worried about my summer classes though...but I still think that it will be good.
Of course in my life it seems there is always a boy and this time though he is completely amazing and I care for him dearly....it is a complicated situation. it makes me sad and i hate that it is this hard. all of this we have talked about I hope this will have a good turn out but yeah, it is crazy..
I am enjoying my job at Cracker Barrel it will be good experience working with different personality types in different scenarios. Plus I get along with most of the management and my co-workers
I love being social again...it makes me tired sometimes. but it is so fun just having people to laugh with about stupid stuff again.
This past month has not been without its mistakes and short-comings though I take full responsibility for my part in those actions.
but yeah that about it for now
ash

Counting them...

SO one of my friends wrote about her blessing so I thought I would also share some of mine:


11) My besties Kat and Brittany these to keep me grounded can't even tell you how much I love these girls they make me laugh when I need it the most but are still there to listen when I just need to cry. I can't thank them enough. I love that we get each other so much that we can have complete conversations without even speaking. (it really weirds people out) we just clicked and I am so glad that God put them in my life.
10) my Gamma Chi Sisters! I love these girls so much I know that we will come and go out of each others lives but I know that we will always be sisters and we share a bond that can't be explained you just have to be a sister to know what we are talking about I care deeply for these ladies and they have been so great one of the best decisions of college
9) growing up in a christian family this is a very old picture of our family at a Homecoming at Martin Baptist Church. the Lord has blessed us so much I can't even start to explain how...
8) my sweet little Cash Money! this little red head has stolen my heart. his blue/green eyes and that smile...and he can say Ashy now and oh my those kisses. He is a little heartbreaker!!
7) My Tripp I honestly can't remember life before this little man came to our family. This little man keeps us on our toes and we never know what he will say next. He gets it honest. I love getting to see his little personality develop and watch him learn and discover. I enjoy getting to read books to him and play matching games and puzzles. I can't wait to get to watch him grow into the young man that God is going to make him.
6) I am blessed that I have fun memories of moments like this with my sister we had a great friendship as children even though she bossed me around most the time but I loved when we got to do funny things like this! and as we got older I begged to go everywhere with her lol then as she moved of to college I loved when she came home or we got to go see her because we keep getting closer and closer, Then she got married to an Amazing man and I got a brother and now my sweet nephews! I love my sister she is my best friend AUDREA thank you for asking for a sister I hope you weren't disappointed...jk
5) my amazing grandparents Esther and Travis McMillen I was blessed to get to have my Granny Mc for 16 years...even when doctors said she would die 3 years before I was born. She was an amazing woman and the love of God was shown in her. My papaw mc still makes me smile I remember sitting in his lap and watching westerns and him always offering me a dip of snuff. They had five amazing children Sarah, Linda, Ronald(not pictured but his son Justin is) Jerry, and my Daddy (Tim) and they raised them in a caring, loving yet strict home where Christ was the center of their lives.
4) Parents that still love each other! I am blessed with a mother and father that are still very much in love the picture below is from my Mom's senior prom. and to quote my Dad " I love her more everyday" so after 34 years that is a lot of love :)
3) my dad I have always been a daddy's girl. when my mom was going to college I got to spend a lot of time with my Dad as he had just went into full-time ministry. I remember going to JR market and getting corn dog nuggets and visiting the Nursing Home with him. I remember our fishing trip and him trying to get me to play sport. He has always pushed me to do my very best and I am glad that he did...
2) my mom she is so amazing I love this woman and so thankful that I get to call her momma. She is someone i can always talk to no matter what I love how close we have gotten as I have gotten older I love our Mexican meals and shopping trips. She always encouraged me to just do it and not to second guess myself. Whenever I am like I can't do this I'm not good enough or smart enough she is like who says and I thank her for that
1) I am so blessed to a follower of Christ and he has blessed me so much I love him and praise him for all he does for us.

UPS delievers

I feel like a real grown person now....UPS delivered a box to my door that contained my first Grad school text book...I want to be a nerd and read the first chapter before class. Which if you knew me last year this would be funny because I rarely bought the book much less read it. But this is different this is Grad school time to put on the big girl panties and really try. 4.0 here I come!

New Beginnings

So I am now back in Hattiesburg. About to go meet with Dr.Baugh and do scary things like register for classes. I am so nervous about being back in school it is so weird. I mean it hasn't even been a whole year.
Anyways I am starting many new things and ending many old things....after I moved home I became addicted to something that most people don't know about. It wasn't anything illegal just sinful.(if you ask me about it I will tell you) I am trying to overcome this with the help of God. I know that He is the only one who can guard my heart against this desire. I know that I am covered in His grace and held in His hands so I am putting my trust in Him.
I am also trying to decide if keeping a certain friend in my life is really worth all the heartache that it brings me....
pleas pray
ash

One Week and counting!

So right now I am in my super cool apartment in my dear sweet Hattiesburg. I have missed this city so much. I have a job interview tomorrow and it is the perfect job for me. I really hope that I get this job. But after the interview I have to go back to Amory and finish out my current life. I will live in Hattiesburg for real as of Feb.14. It is going to epic.
This weekend has been good and much needed social time. I got to see a lot of my rx sisters on Saturday and tonight I got to see my Hattiesburg church family. I don't think I have laughed this much in months. I hope that I become a bit happier when I move back...It has been a real sad few months for me....It has been a black period. I am ready for a sunny spot!
God has really made this move work, if this were not his will things would not have happened this easily or quickly. He blesses me more than I deserve
in his name
Ash

bring on the changes

So...tomorrow morning I am going to put in my notice at work My LAST DAY as a Preschool teacher will be Feb. 11! LET THE COUNT DOWN BEGIN! I am so happy to get to go back to Hattiesburg. My apartment is SOOOOOoooOOO CUTE and I want to be there so bad. So as soon as I can I will be there! :)